Hissy Fits and Halos

I am pretty!

2012-02-09T09:00:00.001-05:00

Pretty freakin’ UGLY I usually say!

LOL.

Seriously though. What’s been nice is that I’ve had the ambition lately to “pretty up”.

So I did my own nails last night, and I’ve done other things. All in a effort to feel better about myself. I still carry a huge chunk of self hate around. So this is a nice little break.
And a box of chocolate is always nice……..right?

Ehh…Not bad. That chocolate was good though.

Green Jello

2012-01-25T17:58:00.001-05:00

I love green Jello!!!

And today was the perfect day to have forgotten about it ,then find it in my fridge waiting as if it knew I have been having a terrible week.

Hello Jello!

My woes started off on Saturday morning when I lost water. Nada!! Nothing ran through my pipes. I ended up calling a plumber, and paying for a new pump for my well. I felt like I should have gotten a discount, because I had to help this guy pull the old pump up from inside the well. Then my Father in law helped the guy put the new well in.

To top it off.......I got a call from the Plummer later in the evening, just as I had pulled in to the Walmart parking lot, to tell me that he had put in the wrong pump.

He came the next day and changed out the pump again. Luckily he brought a helper that time.

Then Monday night the temps got warm enough that the snow melted, and everything that was left in my driveway ended up in my garage!!

I found this out as soon as I let the dogs out Tuesday morning. I had about 3 inches of water in there. Probably 6 inches in some places.

What a mess!!! I still had a lot of things stored in the garage. Not to mention all the stuff like boxes and papers that I would throw in there to "deal with later". I'll say it again.....What a mess!!!!!

My brother in law and his youngest boy came over to help me get it cleaned up.

To add salt to this wound, as I bent over to pick up what looked like soggy paper towels my smart phone fell out of my bra and plopped in the water.

I tried to save it by submerging it in rice for 24 hours. But it's a total loss. Grr.

Then today......one of my baby birds died.

Emily spent the night with me so when she went in to play with the babies, she found him dead.

So..... When I found that jello in my fridge not only did it make me smile, but it made me remember my sweeeeeet baby boy Noah.

His favorite color was green, but the only thing green he would eat was JELLO, frozen green beans, raw green peppers and Popsicles.

I love green jello!

Busy busy body

2012-01-13T18:12:00.001-05:00

HELLO!!!!!

I know, I know. I haven't written.

I have been incredibly busy! Keeping myself VERYYYYY busy.
It’s a good thing because I feel like I am getting things DONE. I’m mostly working on the insides of the house.

I’ve gotten one room done. The spare room. And I am working on the main bathroom.

This is the spare room.

This room is honestly about my struggle with the color YELLOW!
I’ve disliked it for SOO long, but now I am coming around to enjoying it. It’s hard for me to admit. But I can’t deny it. And of course….we all know I love the color purple.

I will take a DONE picture of the bathroom when it is complete.
There is VERY little left to do in there.

I’m doing REALLY well I think.
A lot of people have said they notice a difference in me also. So I hear.

Just the fibromyalgia is giving me fits.
I have a lot of pain, a lot of the time. It’s worse than it was 3 months ago….that’s for sure.

I’m not sure if it’s because it’s the winter months………
Or something I cannot imagine.

Hum.

2012

2012-01-01T17:33:00.001-05:00

I'm not in a bad mood at all today, but for some reason I do not want to add to all of the New Year Cheer on Facebook. I just don't get mushy over this.

My inner shrink tells me that maybe I am suppressing feelings I don't want to deal with.

Um....ya think?

I don't need anything else wishy washy in my life.

That brings me to last night.

I had a terrible dream.

I lost Noah. I couldn't find him. I had all those feelings of dread, anguish, fret and panic.

I did find him, after I looked in the place I hadn't looked yet. I was angry at who (ever it was) that took him and hid him from me.

Woke up in a sweat, with panic.

When dreams like that happen they usually stay with me for a couple of days. Bouncing around in my head. That inner shrink tries to decode them.

She figures this one has to do with the fact that I'm angry that my boy was taken from me. Duh!

Honestly......I wasn't done mothering him. I resent not having all the years possible with him. I resent not being able to watch him grow into a man.

Onward........................

I was doing really good for a while balancing out my diet.

Then yesterday hit me and I have been junking out!!!!

I think I have enough junk stocked in the house to last 6 months.

This was this afternoons meal........

Home style loaded French fries.

And home made soda in a McDonalds cup.

That's all I got for now.

BRING THE NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!

Post Ho HO Ho

2011-12-29T18:59:00.001-05:00

So, Christmas came and went like a flash.

I took down the Christmas stuff today. It felt weird because it felt like I had just put it up.

I'm not in that great of a mood this evening, though I am trying to behave.

In a lot of pain.

The points are bothering me quite a bit today.

I expect that I won't do much of anything tomorrow. Considering I got a crap ton done today.

I don't even know why I am writing. I'm going to bed.

NIGHT

Christmas blues

2011-12-20T12:14:00.001-05:00

I've bee doing so good for quite some time, but today I am in the dumps.

I figure this is just normal and not part of MDD. Everyone feels down sometimes right???

Watched some home videos last night with Emily. Watched Noah on his 2nd Christmas, and some other things. I miss him.

Then been thinking about Beth and Trevor a lot. And myself.

Feeling disappointed that they don't spend any time with me these days.

I remind myself that they are newly wed and just doing the things that they want to do,and spending time with people they want to.

I don't want to be that mother/In law that pressures them to do "this that or the other". I do want them to do what they want, like Travis and I had the freedom to do.

But I struggle with the feelings of wanting them to want to spend it e with ME. And I won't tell them that I am feeling.........forgotten, because I just don't think they need the pressure.

But then back to me. Don't my feelings count?

See the battle I am having with myself?

On a goos note, I am getting a lot done with the house. I'm so happy about it.

The spare bathroom is almost finished.

And the baby birds are doing GREAT!!!! Im Not frustrated with them at all. Which is odd.

Anyhow. I gotta go. Blah

The tart puckery truth

2011-12-17T18:20:00.001-05:00

Well I know it's been a while. I may not have written, but blogging certainly has been on my mind. I'm just so darn lazy!!! I am, but I'm not.

It seems like the more I do, the more I have to do. I know that probably only makes sense in my world. It's just that before I can get finished with one thing something else comes up. Will I ever not feel pressured (pressured by my owwwwn self) to be ON TOP of everything all the time??

I wonder if it's just my nature?

So....Christmas is next weekend right..... RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

How on earth is it already the end of this year??? This is my typical complaint as of right now. This year seems to have gone much faster than all the rest before it.

Oh....ok. I lost my train of thought, but then found it. (yes this happens a lot)

Back to Christmas.....

I was browsing in target one afternoon, over by the books and I was close enough to a mom and her daughter to hear them talking. They were talking about this Elf, how "this one" didn't have a home yet. I thought that was interesting, but not enough to think anything of it again until that evening when I caught the end of a children's Christmas tv special....something about this magic elf....blah blah blah.

So the next morning I looked up this Elf on a shelf thing. Intrigued, because it's something that you get to name yourself i think. I have visions in my head of telling my grandkids to behave because "Fritzy" the elf on the shelf is watching.

Kooky and crazy, I know. You have to expect this kind of stuff from me. It's the way I "roll".

The name Fritzy has stuck with me ever since I was 5 years old. Since then I have named everything from sticks to frogs to tennis balls that name.

Well anyway the point I was getting to was I turned around and got one of those things today. I'm rather childishly giddy about it. I've not opened Fritzy up yet. I need to do that because there are less than 7 days left until Christmas. OYE!!!!!

So yeah....went shopping with my mummy today. This is where the subject of the post comes in.

I took her to the health food store because I wanted some RAW unfiltered apple cider vinegar.

I've been hearing a lot about it.

It's the "Ol' Timers" cure all.

I'm giving it a shot. I didn't do too bad in the health store.....only walked out with a arm load. *shrug*

Hey!! Gotta run.

Also gotta figure out a way to get my signature on here again.

Cinnamon Roll waffles.

2011-11-23T08:00:00.001-05:00

I wasn't even reluctant when I first heard of this idea from a online friend that I have had since the late 90's.

I thought it was genius!!!!!!!

So last night I gave the kids some money to pick up some of those pillsbury cinnamon rolls while they weren't Walmart. I wanted the big ones, but they got these.

They worked really good though.

I stuck them in my waffle iron as directed....and they cooked up really fast.

Deliciousness!!!!!!

Typo!!

2011-11-21T14:33:00.001-05:00

I never know what to put for a title of my posts. Unless of course I know what I am going to write about ahead of time. Today I don't.

The girls have started to move out of the house and into their new place.

I have so many mixed emotions about it. I never know what I am going to be feeling about it from one minute to the next.

In some ways I'm anxious for them to BE OUT. Other ways I'm not.

I not about it because of things like those bumps in the night, eating alone, waking up alone, watching TV alone.....all the ALONE stuff. I'm sure i will handle well, after I get use to it.

Then on the other hand I am READYY to cook for one, clean up after ONE, and not have anyone to check in with.

I anticipate that one if not both of the girls may come to stay the night once in a while. That will be nice.

What will be nice is when TRAVIS comes home.

It's beeen 22 years since we have had the house to ourselves

I wonder what we will do with our time...... **sigh**

Saw this news article in the paper today. First I think I saw it on the TV. Not sure, but it's pretty sweet. You can find the article on The Bangor Daily News dot com.

Quiet Serenity

2011-11-19T11:43:00.001-05:00

I've been feeling wonderful over the past few days.
I'm almost worried that a shoe is going to drop.
Always waiting for something bad to happen. Its hard to enjoy the moment when you feel like a black cloud could show up at any time.

I've started to read again. In my spare time.
What's good about that, is I force myself to get my work done so i can sit and relax with my Nook.
Currently I am reading the beginning of one of Nora Roberts series. I've always wanted to read her books but never knew where to begin. Once I got it figured out, I realized that i am enjoying her writing style more than I thought I would.
I've also added a new tool to my life for organization, and it's really helping.
Even with my memory problems. Course the bad memory isn't going away, but the new skills I am using are really making life less irritating.

Since the kids have a foot out the door, I am spending more and more time on my own. Realizing it's not so bad. It's not like they are moving out of state. I have been enjoying the peaceful serenity of my house, with my dogs.
Tucker is a very good protector. He doesn't even know it.

I gave Scotty a bath. I was going to shave him down, but when I was brushing him out I realized he didn't have any knots so I just cleaned up his face and cut the hair around his feet. Now he's all pretty.

I also got the front door painted last night.
I turned it from a lime green to a nice light latte' with chocolate trim.

Not bad huh?
It's already almost noon, and I'm still in my jammies!!
Gotta run!

A quiet night

2011-11-16T19:59:00.001-05:00

So this evening began chaotic! Kind of annoying, because I had some things that I wanted to concentrate on. I got Emily from walmart so I could go in and get the phone that her father and I agreed that we would pay upfront for her. There was only 3 left, so thankfully I gave in to my urge to say screw it, I'm not going back into town.
I had already been in town once to do shopping for myself.
Then Beth came home to get Emily, and some stuff for the night.
They are still working on the apartment, and Emily needs a ride to work tomorrow morning.
I'm not going in town twice tomorrow!

Now that the house is quiet, and the only things I can hear are clocks ticking, me typing and the water heating up in the water machine. I feel really sleepy.

I rolled my van over today. Figuratively speaking of course.

This makes me feel sad, considering I have only had the van since March.
Yes.....I put 20k mile on my van in 8 months!!

It hasn't been 8 months since March has it really?
Good Lord where is the time goiing?

Why is everyone mad at ME

2011-11-15T14:06:00.002-05:00

I don't have any idea why it is everyone is pissy with me about Beth getting married!!

Another half sister of mine, the second of three, appears to be disappointed. I'm assuming because she wasn't told about the wedding. The wedding that wasn't a wedding. They ELOPED for crying out loud!! And only the two sets of parents knew.

I'm really good at reading people by the language thy use. Verbal, and physical. So of course when someone says something to me in a message over Internet or text, I have to use the words they use to read how that person is feeling. I admit, that it isn't fool proof, and I could be wrong some of the time, but admittedly sounding conceded, that is rare. As long as I have talked to the person, in person before.
So with that being said, the message that I got from dear ol sister sounded snide and rather snotty. The message I got was not that of what the text said, but of the feeling I got behind it.

I guess congratulations

............is what she said in text.
I guess......yeah, thanks.

I am bothered by this, because it was just recent that my two oldest half sisters and I made a plan to get to know one another better, because we have been so distant. Not to mention there are a lot of hurt feeling over the past having to do with parents, divorce, a new little sister, step mother, a neglectful and mentally abusive mother and screwy looie all around. All of which started before I was even born.

Blah..... Back on subject!
Another thing that is reallllly making me mad is the comments about Beth being pregnant!!
She is NOT pregnant!!!! Beth and Trevor got married because they love each other and see a long future ahead of them. ALSO......they wanted to get married on 11-11-11! Because that date will NEVER happen that way again, in their lifetime!

Now, I'll get off my soap box.
And promise that I will not loose sleep over these frustrations. EVER!!
This is the beautiful couple

P.S
Disclaimer for anyone who might be offended by my writing this.
I've been writing about my life for as long as I can remember.
I'm not going to stop now. I use to do so in private, but airing the dirty laundry in the wide open world seems to be much more therapeutic for ME. Sorry.

Not knowing where to start....

2011-11-14T18:52:00.001-05:00

Well I had planned to stay home today after I took Emily to work, but I ended up doing more in town than I planned. Plans don't seem to work out for me well anymore.
I'm going to try this stay home thing again tomorrow.

With the girls moving out I feel like I'm walking around in my life with no purpose. No beginning, and no ending. I just don't know what to do or where to start. But I have a lot that I would like to do. Just can't get started.

I'm going to try some new supplements..... Looks promising. Yes???

I'm skeptical though....
I will update on this later.

On another note.........

I saw a unusually large amount of crack today.
The most disturbing was that of a large middle age man walking out of and away from a gas station/convenient store.
Then whiled driving to town the second time I saw a man working under his car. Another large man. Bent over. But what was most disturbing about him was his shirt looked too small, so his biiiiig ol beer gut was floppin all down too!

Why?????

I'm not at all sure why my yes caught these things today. I certainly didn't WANT to view these things. It almost reminds me of those guys that wear the pants down under the butt cheek and show off the underwear.

WHY????????

Well it's going on 7:00pm.....and normally lately that's been my bedtime.
So. I'm gonna go take a nice long nap.

Tally ho

11-11-11

2011-11-12T18:30:00.001-05:00

I got a new gadget for blogging, and I am trying it out this evening.

So much to talk about but then again I don't have much to say either.
My daughter and her boyfriend got married yesterday

You say WHAT?

Yeah, it was sudden, and with a notary. Not exactly the huge wedding that they were hoping for some months ago when they first got engaged.
They defiantly have a long bumpy road ahead of them.......for sure! But, Travis and I made it work. I believe they can too.
And for those of you that are wondering.......NO they did not HAVE to get married. No one is with child.

So..... I'm going to go have more fun with this thing and see what more I can do with it.

Tally ho!

Anxiously Dreadful!

2011-11-08T16:41:00.001-05:00

In a lot of ways I’m quite anxious for the girls to move out.

They have an apartment in town that they are getting ready to move into this month.
I’m anxious so that perhaps I can keep my house clean for more than ten minutes at a time, and I’ll have 2 more rooms to claim and make mine.

But I dread all of this at the same time!
With as much as they are gone now I feel lonely, and deprived of human contact.
It’s just me and the dogs……….Travis won’t be back for a while.

And I get so tired! Often I need help with things that have to get done and I can’t do them because I get incredibly tired so fast.

Research I have done on the fibromyalgia suggests that the chronic fatigue is one of the symptoms of this syndrome. It helps to know that there is a reason for being this tired……..but it doesn’t make it go away!

Just have to share…..

2011-11-06T19:07:00.001-05:00

My cat………..being NAUGHTY

Garth….being a naughty!!

Daylight Savings?

2011-11-06T15:53:00.001-05:00

The savings on daylight must be on the other end of the day that I don’t see all that often. The EARLY morning.
But I will say this day is DRAGGGGGGGING. Mostly a pretty good day though.

Got bed sheets washed, and doing other laundry. Did some kitchen stuff. Nothing out of the ordinary.

I bought a new throw rug for the entry way to the family room.

The dogs took it over.

Been working on Roxie with “Leave it”.
She’s doing fairly well. As long as I put myself between her and her favorite cat, she won’t bother him too much when he comes in the house.
But as far as toys go, none of the other dogs can have any or she will take them. So “Leave it” and distraction are our focus for a while. Roxie is easy to distract, but she doesn’t forget that one of the other dogs has a toy. And she will only want it because she doesn’t already have it.

Just like a two year old. LOL

Tucker……..the Gentle man that he is will just let her take the toy and be “ho hum” about it.

Took him to the local Denny’s yesterday.

Again, he was just chill!

I’m considering taking some classes.
But I have not decided what I want to take yet.
Now with the girls moving out, I feel like I need to have SOMETHING more to keep me busy.
I don’t know. Still thinking about it.

TGIF

2011-11-04T15:59:00.001-04:00

Ehhh! I’m not a huge fan of Friday. It’s good just like the rest of the days of the work week.
What I don’t like is Saturday and Sunday.
Everything is just always messed up on those days.

I’m one, for routine. Though nothing in my life is ever routine!

Brought Beth into the Psychologist with me yesterday.
She got home just when I was leaving and I just didn’t want to be alone anymore.
Boy did I “get it” from the Doc and Beth!
Had to tell the Doc all about what happened at and after the funeral of my Uncle Albert.

And the fact that I turned to my pills when I get to my shutting down point.

We worked out a plan of action. I think I am going to flush the pills. I dunno. I shouldn’t let them have such a hold on me.

So!!! Something exciting!

I bought some new plants to add to the ones I already had. I’m SOO happy that we don’t have to move around anymore so I can have a house full of plants and not have to worry about finding homes for them after we find out that we have to move.

I transplanted all of them today. WHAT a messy job!

Roxie is being mostly good. ‘Cept she’s gotta have her nose into EVERYTHING I am doing.
It’s kind of funny!

Then kind of NOT because she gets into pictures like this. LOL

Tucker is just chill, lookin’ like he’s asking me when the girl is going to go away!

And now…..as if I don’t have enough chaos going on in the house at this time,…..this is going on again.

That’s mommy Phoebe, and daddy Grayle with egg babies 1 and 2.

Grayle was pretty pissed at me for opening the box, and he was getting ready to jump up and bite the camera! LOL

Ok, just took this shot because they are being cute!

Chaos and Halloween

2011-10-30T11:25:00.001-04:00

I like it when I can sit down and have a productive “Think”.
I was tending to the fire in the family room this morning…..

….and thought about how much I appreciate this house, and everything that I am clearly blessed with.
My thoughts wondered to those many, many times that I have had to escape the world around me and live in my made up safe cabin. Cozy, warm and comfortable, with my animals…….dogs, and birds. SAFE and quiet. Everything in order. No chaos. Just soothing of my internal anxieties. A hot cup of coffee, a hot fire, dim lights and a creaking wood floor under my feet.

I could go into detail about my Cabin for hours. But what I wanted to write about is how blessed I feel to have this home that resembles my make believe safe place in so many ways…….almost exactly. I’m convinced that this is a gift.

Now, about Little Miss Chaos………………….

This is Roxie. I don’t know if I have introduced her on my blog yet. She is Tucker’s half sister. Same mother, different father.
Her name should be “Chaos”!!! Actually that word would be a understatement for her.
Roxie lives with me, but she is Jessica’s dog. Real important dog to her. The blood line that links Jessica to the brother she lost this summer.

Roxie is a very spirited dog. Constantly on the go. Drives me nuts sometimes. I can’t count the times that I have thought about throwing in the towel, and making her go live with Jessica or someone else of her choice. The constant, Go go go go go, and the fact that she doesn’t listen to me 90% of the time.
I realized during my think time this morning, that even though she can get on my last nerve she is exactly what I need. What I’ve been craving since Noah passed away.
I can’t count how many times I have wished to have my bouncy, energetic, sassy boy back.

The quiet of the house, with no kids rustling around brings me huge sadness. I often feel as though I need someone to understand that I WAS NOT READY to stop mothering.

Now this dog is in my life.

Took me months to figure this out. I’m not surprised that it took this long. I’m kind of slow when it comes to stuff like this. But eventually I do come to realize the important things.

So, Little Miss Chaos however annoying she can be, truly is a blessing to me.
I’m glad I can look at her presences in my life a different way now.
I knew there was a reason I couldn’t give up on her.

Today is the first day of the snow season.

It seems so weird to look out there and see snow. When we first saw this house, it was under snow, then I worked all summer on it, and here we are again, back to snow.
Summer went SOO fast!
Halloween is up next. Tomorrow in fact.
I don’t love….or even like Halloween. Worshiping the evil in this world just doesn’t make sense.
That is the bottom line of Halloween. But I do realize that in our culture it’s mostly about fantasy and fun The one night of the year that you get to dress up and be who ever you want. And experience the thrills of mayhem, and what “scary” is like but know that it is controlled, and NOT real.

I still don’t care for it the bottom line. That stuff IS REAL. And very dangerous.

Soon it will be on to the happier holidays.
I’m so glad that Travis and I managed to get the business half of the kitchen done in time for baking and cooking for the holidays. Not that I plan on doing much, but it’s good to know that I can now if I want to.

This is the kitchen BEFORE……………

This is the kitchen AFTER…………

Let me tell ya….I’ve roasted a whole chicken in that Convection oven, and OH BABY was it ever goood. I had my parents over for supper that night, and they even enjoyed it. YAY!

So that’s about it for now….
I’ve been lucky to get this much down, as the power flickers a little bit. Threatening to shut off completely like it did last night.
Before my luck runs out………..I’m going to get this published.

Tally HO

Leap of …….. whatever

2011-10-10T16:26:00.001-04:00

So, I’m pissy today.

Not in a bad mood. Just irritated with lots of things. The old saying is true. “If it isn't one thing…..it’s another”.

I’ll go down through my past couple of weeks with photos, just like I did with my Psychologist today. The visual aids help to add to the reality.

First, I was mowing the yard one day and this happened………

Then Beth was driving home from work and brought home two of these…………

(Crazy cute huh….?)

Then I started to refinish this ugly thing……………

And after I got started on that ugly brown shower stall, I ended up looking like this!………….

Sweaty job…………….

And last………….but not least…………

I pushed this aside for a while…….

Got the window on the van fixed………..$400 later.

Trying to find a home for those kittens.

Gave up on the shower stall after going through 3 cans of refinishing paint, without getting very far.

Still blowing white paint snot out of my nose, and scraping white flecks off my arms.

Deactivated Facebook, because I feel forgotten anyway. No pity party about simply not getting the attention that I seek, just taking this week to make a real effort to step forward and make friendships happen locally.

Peace out BABY

Left me with my head spinning!

2011-09-26T17:50:00.001-04:00

Well, because I can’t remember SQUATT, I will start off by saying that Travis came home for a week’s visit. It was kind of a “surprise”. He told me about it, about a week before he flew in.

We celebrated our 22nd anniversary together. It was INCREDIBLY nice to have him home. Nice to talk to my best friend candidly. And just BE together. We did a lot in those 7 days, much of which I can’t even remember because I was overwhelmed.

He left again 5 days ago, and I am still tired!
We did a lot while he was here. Mostly stuff on the house, and taking care of new installations, and old problems

He also bought a Glock 17 9,9mil.
I took a gun safety course this weekend, and got certified, so that I can get get my concealed permit if I wanted.

I still have not decided if I am going to do that or not. I can’t really see myself walking around town packing “heat”! LOL

I will say this…….

I feel pretty safe in my house with 3 dogs, and a Glock! If the dogs don’t scare someone unwanted off…….then when they hear me “cock my glock”, they will poop their pants!!!!

We did some more stuff while Travis was here.

We went with Jessica to the state capitol, to do a demonstration at a dog park fund raiser called “Barks in the Park”.

It went well. Had fun.

Well, I wasn’t meaning for this to be a LOOOOOONG blog post, so I’m sorry. But I do have some more to share.

Travis’s father FINALLY retired from the rail road, at the young age of 70!!! Oy!!!
We were lucky that Travis happened to be home at the time of the retirement party. That was also a lot of fun.

What a CUTEEE, cake!!

Reaching forward, or clinging to low self esteem??

2011-09-10T09:25:00.001-04:00

I’m quite hard on myself. But isn’t everyone their own worst critic? Or am I just REALLY hard on myself?

I realized today that I don’t have much to offer this blog world.
Other bloggers like myself have a basic theme that they talk about or products they review. So when I read a particular well written blog this morning I was left feeling unimportant, and inadequate.

Well, through lots of psychiatric doctoring I am learning how to better deal with these feelings.
I remember why I blog. I didn’t start doing this to impress anyone with my words, or even have a audience.
I blog because I like to Journal about my life. That is what my blog is about. My life.
My life is important????? Right?
I may not be a Doctor, or a political figure……..I’m just me. And I have what I have, and do what I do, because these are the things that I LIKE.

I’m not going to take ANY of it to Heaven with me. Lord willing that I may be permitted to enter His kingdom.

So I guess I will chose to reach forward and continue to be myself and look for the value in that. I’ve got to stop comparing myself to other people.

I am who I am, because that’s who I’m suppose to be.

Showing off…..

2011-09-09T20:57:00.001-04:00

I have a couple of pictures from today.

Jessica and I went to the mall for some training and I snapped a couple of photos with my phone.

This is my gorgeous boy Tucker just relaxing while Jessica and I sit in front of the pet store. He is all CHILL

This is Roxie, chillin’ as well. Doesn’t she have a cute pink nose!

And the gooooood babies together.

I’m not sure if I ever shared this video or not

This is of the two of them playing with a toy cow.

Tucker and Roxie…… “Bring it!!!”

Yeah…..so I’m proud of them.

How to …..Q R Code????

2011-09-06T20:05:00.001-04:00

Yeah….. It’s the new “THANG”

I am lucky enough to have created my own.

Well, actually I just put my information down and someone created it for me. For a extra little cost he did a logo for me too. (see the little cow in the center?)
I’ve been seeing these things all over the place and I had a general/basic knowledge about them, but I didn’t pay much attention.

I guess it’s a good thing to have if you want to advertize, or just use it instead of business cards. You just scan the code with a Scan-app on your phone………..that’s IT!

If you want one you can get it also, here is some helpful information

This video explains what they are: Q R Code Video

This is the web site to order : www.redwirehost.co

apply discount code :ELMO

Honey…….

2011-09-06T12:01:00.001-04:00

MMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I had been looking all over tarnation for true….RAW honey comb.
Finally found some at a farmers market in town. It’s SOOOO delicious!! I take about a half teaspoon chunk on a spoon, and put it in my mouth, suck down the sweet nectar, and chew the wax. The wax is edible, but I prefer to spit it out.

It is absolute YUMM! I was reading up on Honey, and it’s many health benefits. I’ll be surprised if I have any of this left by the end of the day.

Then the other night I found this curious frog hanging on to the window of my front door. Funny!!!

Rain already…….

2011-09-04T16:55:00.001-04:00

It’s back to oppressive humidity again. And it is overcast.

I wish it would just rain and get it over with!!!

GREAT NEWS!!!!

Travis called me yesterday to tell me that he bought plane tickets to come home for our 22nd anniversary!!!! I am super excited! SOOOOOOOOOOOO Happy. Even thought he will only be home for 7 days……I just cannot wait.

Hey there HEEYYYYYYYYYYY!

2011-09-02T08:06:00.001-04:00

I can’t express enough how much I love living out here.

Quiet, Crickets, the cow smell, the sound of the grass under my feet, tending the garden, having evening fire’s in the back yard, running around with the dogs….and having to walk more than just a couple of feet to the neighbors house.

I love it here!
And I know it’s all because of the Grace of God!!!!

The only things that would make it PERFECT would be if my human boys would be here too.

I woke up this morning and I was actually cold. I got to turn the pellet stove on for a little while. Just to take the chill off the air. I was happy to do so.
I’m starting to get anxious for fall, and winter. Mostly fall.

This is what my little weather man told me just a minute ago.

I’m taking the two big dogs to the mall today for some training. Roxie is going to do public access training with Jessica. Tucker and I are just gonna follow along.
Roxie is doing much better. She is not being nearly as bossy. It’s been hard to get her to understand that I’m the pack leader in the house. It seems like she came in thinking that she was going to take the leadership roll. Um….nope!

We’ve had a lot of fun.

I’m just so glad it has coooooled down.

Facebook Frustration

2011-08-26T19:04:00.001-04:00

Well, I love Facebook for a lot of reasons. I’m just a social person, and I like to have all my people in one place. There are a lot of cool things about it. But then there are some that really frustrate me too. To the point of wondering if it’s worth it to put all my junk out there like I do.

I made a comment on FB this morning saying,

Feeling very disconnected from a lot of what use to be. Not sure if it's me that's changing...........or them?

This meaning mostly, that I have lost those close connections with the friends that I had in Illinois. I miss them a lot and I feel like everyone is moving in opposite directions with their lives. Some of the gals I don’t even know anymore.

I’ve mentioned this to my Psychologist over the past few months several times, and even mentioned it again today. Before I went back and read comments.

I realize everyone changes with time. I think I am feeling more disappointed because we as a whole group have not “kept it together”. I’m feeling sad over it.

This is how the thread looks now.

I love Ben. I really really do. I love his wife Sheryl, who I think of as one of my sisters.

His second comment however confused me. I’m not going to hold it against him in any way, but I do feel the need to vent about it.

I am EXTREEEEEMLY sensitive of some phrases that people tend to use around me. More so behind my back than to my face. And maybe I take this stuff too personally, or too much into my heart.

When people tell me I need to “Get over it”, “Get past it”, or “Move on with my life”. Any phrase of that sort makes me feel HORRIBLE!
First of all……………I was not referring to any EVENT in my life. I was referring to PEOPLE OF MY PAST.

Why does everyone assume that what ever words that come out of me, always have to do with the death of my son? That is NOT true!

I DO carry a HUGE heavy scar around with me that I can’t just put down. That is true. This trauma that I carry will never go away.

Remarkably however I have made incredible healing progress in a lot of area’s in my life, and I must say that I may not always feel like a strong woman on the inside, but DAMMIT I am!!! I have gotten through really difficult hardships in my life.

I’m like a weeble. I may wobble, but I DO NOT FALL DOWN!

And soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo WHAT, if I have sad days? Soooo what if I have to express them? Wouldn’t you if you were in my shoes? Tell me EXACTLY how you would handle my life if you walked in MY shoes? Naw, never mind. I don’t want you to. Because I don’t need to compare myself to anyone!

I am doing just fine. For once. I’m doing just fine.

Quietness….

2011-08-13T15:29:00.001-04:00

I remember day dreaming about having days like today.

Where the house is quiet and all the sounds I hear are the birds chirping outside, wind, and my wind chime along with the fan that is blowing cool air back and forth in the room that I am at.

Yeah…these days are nice. Relaxing. Peaceful.

But now I would give my right arm to have one of those busy days filled with laughter, tears, screams, squeals and other random chaos.

I miss my boy. And my girls are big girls now….and almost out of the house.

What am I going to do NOW?

I guess I’m doing it……….

I’ve got some video of the dogs, and some humming birds that I am uploading to YouTube right now. I’ll be posting them on here soon. Fer now…………I’m’a go enjoy the day.

Blah

2011-08-02T08:16:00.001-04:00

We finally got a good soaking rain last night. It didn’t happen for very long though. It would have been nice if it down-poured for hours!

I’m anxious to get green beans out of the garden.

All I want to do today is go back to bed. I have a appointment at noon though that I must make. But if I didn’t have that appointment I would go back to bed.
I’m so friggen tired.

Rox in the Sox!!

2011-07-31T19:54:00.001-04:00

July is coming to a end.
I’m kind of glad, and kind of sad. Fall and winter is on it’s way. Another month closer.

I’m all done with the house in Hampden. Gave them the last bit of money that I owed, and the keys. I’m so glad to have that monkey off my back.

I’ve managed to stay at home for 2 days strait this weekend! HOOOOORAY!

Where we went last week.

This is what we did last week.

Celebrated Noah’s 9th Birthday with a Curious George cake.

Celebrated Noah’s 9th birthday with balloons

Went to Bar Harbor and watched some lobster fishermen, bring in the loot.

Tucker enjoyed………………

Saw the cruise ship “Caribbean Princess pulled into port.

Canned my first batch of green beans in my new pressure cooker.

And NO July is complete without the ever so beautiful Star Lilly’s.

I did a lot of yard work today. It takes a couple of hours to get everything mowed the way I like it. While I was on the mower I got to thinking, and giving myself credit for all that I DO. I really have accomplished a lot, and I feel a little proud of myself.

My P/Doc. will be glad to hear of me giving myself credit. LOL

July 28th, 2011

2011-07-28T12:21:00.001-04:00

Yup.

It’s that day again. I’m making the best of it I guess though. It is a beautiful day and I want to enjoy it. But I have moments when its really hard because of this anniversary.

It’s been four years now since our family let go of Noah. That moment is hard to think about. Pretty soon he will be passed as long as he was with us…… and then more so.

I miss him quite a lot. And I still feel cheated.

Something quite interesting turned up this week.

With all of the physical problems that I have, along with the mental I found out that I have fibromyalgia! My eyes were opened when my doctor explained what it was. I feel like I have a answer now to all these symptoms that I have, and that just in itself is a relief. I don’t have to feel guilty anymore!

I am my own worst enemy. I’m too hard on myself. I’m seeing this in therapy, not just seeing, but learning how to BE OK.

One down, one up!

2011-07-18T12:58:00.001-04:00

I cannot get over the differences in some of my days.

Yesterday I was down and out. Low. And listless.

Today I’m on top of it! Manic almost. Productive, energized.

Strange how I operate.

Beth is out job hunting again. I tried to think of a reason for me to go into town, but I shot that down with the thoughts of all the things I can do around here. Tomorrow I will go into town. For now………I’ll chill in the house and do house stuff that I would complain I couldn’t do when I was always RUNNING after the girls.

Breath in………………………….

Breath out……………………..

Today’s Mantra: It’s OK to go at my own pace.

Mind Muck

2011-07-17T21:30:00.001-04:00

Mood swings and rollercoasters.
That’s what my life feels like.

I hate it!

Feeling like I wish God would just strike me dead and get it over with already.

Not in that great of a mind set today.
Had to cancel off what I had scheduled to do so I could sit and wallow in pitty in peace.

Oy!!!!

2011-07-14T09:48:00.001-04:00

Life is about to get a little less crazy for me! THANKFULLY……….but…….maybe.

I’m thankful because the girls and I have completed clean up of the house in Hampden. That is a huge monkey off my back. We now have everything over here to the ranch 100%. Relief is around the corner. No more constant trips back and forth.

Beth is in the process of buying a car. Well, I hope anyhow.
She is spending the remainder of the week with her Boyfriend and his family doing summer vacation type stuff.

Emily too……I think.

The gutter guys are here at the house now putting up gutters and I’m just puttering around the house mostly. I’ve still got a crap ton to do in the garage, organizing the little stuff. Blah.

Life is good today.

Happy (ish) 4th!

2011-07-04T19:21:00.001-04:00

Yeah……… Trying my hardest to be in the festive mood. I just don’t have it this year I guess.
I’m trying NOT to wallow in a pitty potty too. But I’m feeling very alone, and stuck inside of myself.

The girls are growing up and away from the nest…………..
And my Noah has been gone almost 4 years now.
I don’t have kids to take care of anymore.

I regret all those days I wished I had peace and quiet and just one moment to myself. And one moment never felt like it was enough. WHAT was I THINKING?

I’ll take that again over this silence any day!

So…….this is what I have been doing to occupy myself today.

It will be my first shot at making Jam.

Happy July!!!!!

2011-07-02T20:02:00.001-04:00

May, June and July are my favorite months.

July bitter sweet for obvious reasons. I’m having a lot of grief already this year. My senses are on high alert. More things trigger panic and anxiety.

But I am doing better in other areas. I think once I get through this month I’ll be Ok. I have a great doctor, as I think I have said before. Her and I do some intense work.

So the house is coming along pretty well. We are all moved in. We did that this last week. Gawd, I don’t think I can ever do it again, I’m exhausted!

This is a picture of our first meal AT THE TABLE in the dining room. LOL My sister WAS there too, but as soon as she saw me get the camera out she darted!!

Not sure what Beth was talking about……….? Next to her is her Boo.

These are the disgusting carpets that I had taken out. Oh my grossness!

And because I don’t have a oven yet……..

I’m doing all my cooking in this toaster oven.

As time moves along….

2011-06-23T19:03:00.001-04:00

Well, there has been a little change since I last wrote.

I’m still overwhelmed, over busy, and over tired. But now it’s all magnified because of this…………

Beth did it again. So now I’m down to one one vehicle. This time she rear-ended someone doing 45, on a back road.
She didn’t get hurt, neither did her passenger so it’s WHATEVER. Just a car.
But now I have to run her around. And now that we are living in Charleston..one way into town is 45 minutes. It’s just yucky.

She now see’s the urgency for her to DO something other than work at Tim Hortons.

The house is coming along nicely. Still at lot of work to be done and I’m not fully moved in. It’s a lot of house! HUGE! Bigger than any house we have been in. I love it!!!

I have had regular spats of depression. The key for me is to just sleep it off. If I can manage that, then it goes away quite quickly. Working with Dr. Jeanne has been intense! But GREAT! I feel more alive than I ever have.

Well, that’s about it for a update. Maybe more photos later. But not of any more crashes!

Happy Almost summer!

2011-06-08T17:20:00.001-04:00

Again it’s been a while since I have written.

I’ve been incredibly busy. I think I mentioned that Travis and I bought a house when he was here in March. He had to leave for Afghanistan again before we closed on it. So I was left with that headache.

This year is already going incredibly fast!!! It’s June !!!!

I’ve been making the changes to this house to make it “ours”. Adding my touch. I’ve learned a lot about painting, wall-paper (don’t ever do it) and a lot of different stuff that I never imagined I deal with. My current project is trim. I’ve purchased a miter saw, and I’ve learned how to do angles. I can only do a little bit at a time because I’ve got a ton of other things going at the same time it seems. Oy!!!!

It’s coming……….slow but sure.

Floors are being done next week. Then we are going to have the bathrooms done.

I’ve had ONE major mental dump recently. It was long over due. I’m on the tail end of it now. Feeling better, but not 100% yet.
I just get to a point and have to shut down.

I’ll try to get some pictures up soon.

Missing my blog…………a lot

Been a while

2011-04-17T20:07:00.001-04:00

Hi!

I know it’s been a while since I’ve written.

Travis came home for a visit for a month. That month went by incredibly fast. We were constantly busy. On the go, go, go up until the very day he left for Afghanistan again,

I hated having to see him off again.

There are a lot of changes going on in this life………..AGAIN

So I won’t be writing much this summer I don’t think.

Blessings to everyone.

Rango- a’go go

2011-03-04T22:10:00.001-05:00

Beth and I went to see Rango this evening.
We met with my friend and dog trainer, Jessica, her family and service dog Abby (Saint Bernard).

I was SOOOOo excited to have a night out with a friend.
The movie was Ok, but the company was better.

As my luck would have it though, I had a IBS attack. A major one. Not sure why I was so tense. Once I got home, and relaxed I feel much better.

The movie had some cute and funny spots. But I’m not going to want to run out and buy it when it comes out on DVD. Ehhh.

Tuckahhhh Time

2011-03-01T18:39:00.001-05:00

YES! He’s got ANOTHER name.

I call him “Tucker” most of the time now. I knew his name would evolve somehow.
This is him, being all cute with his “baby”

Freakin’ CUTE ehhhh?

And how about those digital clipping skills I have just about mastered? I didn’t like the background he was in front of when I took the picture…….so I fixed it my way!

So! The countdown begins. Travis will be home on Tuesday. Pretty exciting. It doesn’t seem like he’s been gone for a year. This year has gone realllllly fast. I guess that’s good.
I wonder if the next year is going to go just as fast.
I hope he will at least be able to come home half way through next time. Or we could go on a vacation somewhere. SOMETHING.
Maybe he could come home for Christmas.

I’ve been getting pretty short with the girls lately.
I find myself rolling my eyes behind their backs quite often.
I get tired of the “know it all” additudes that they carry around as if they are proud of a moment of maturity. When in fact they pipe in with something actually quite off without even knowing it. *rolling my eyes*.

I appreciate when they are around, It gets pretty lonely being the only human in the house. But still, there are times where I just want them to shut-up.

I’ve been examining something about myself. My yuckyness.
I can’t really go into it in detail yet, but I wanted to write this thought down to sort of make the thought more real some how.

I don’t know.

I just got a call from one of the bird people that took the last baby I had. Apparently he’s not doing well. Sitting on the bottom of the cage and throwing up.
I will have to research what to do about this.

Oh Boy!

Artsy Fartsy

2011-02-25T19:42:00.001-05:00

I’ve never been “creative” par se. I mean this painting says it all. If I were to put this next to

something I did when I was a kid, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the two.

I cannot draw.

Even if I try to make something look sloppy………it looks bad.

The teachers that didn’t like me………..I wonder what they would say to me today?
I’m not any different other than the fact that I’ve got many more years.

I’m almost 40. I imagine some of those teachers aren’t even around anymore.

I’m babbling mostly.

Feeling the need to write, but nothing is coming out right.

Kind of like my art.
Nothing ever comes out right.

But I like the ideas in my head. And the smell of the paint. It took me back. But not as far as you think. It took me back to the days when my kids were in elementary school. When I walked into their school I could smell the smells of school stuff. I had forgotten about it when Noah started pre-school, until the day I registered him.

My Favorite Breakfast

2011-02-24T09:09:00.001-05:00

Mmmm….Soo YUMMY!!

Oikos Greek Yogurt, Wild Maine Blueberries, Grape-nuts cereal, Honey, and Coffee

Yummy Goooooooodness!

Humidify me!

2011-02-22T11:35:00.001-05:00

I complain about humidity in the summer time.

And I complain about the lack of it in the winter time. Fed up with everything dryness I went to BB&B and got a new humidifier.

I hope this will help with my sinus, throat and mouth dryness.

I’m considering putting it next to my bed so I can get the stream right in my face!

I dunno about that.

I’m in a crappy mood today.

I hate it when I get this way.

That’s more like it.

2011-02-21T09:59:00.001-05:00

I did a lot of cleaning yesterday and got 3 bird cages consolidated down to ONE, with a play area on top and around the cage. Doing this has been on my mind for quite a while.

I took the “itty-bitty” babies to a pet store that has a breeder who is going to finish off the hand feeding.

With Travis coming home from Afghanistan and all, I just can’t have that to worry about along with everything else that we’ll have our heads wrapped around.

It' seems like I’m always writing about cleaning. It’s about all I ever do. Someone reading this might either think this family is slobby, or I have OCD! It may actually be a little of both. LOL

Now I can’t even remember what I was going to write about today. I guess I don’t have anything that is important. Just wishing that winter would be over now. I’m ready to get on with summer activities.

Take a GUESS…..

2011-02-19T19:25:00.001-05:00

Look at the following pictures and GUESS what I’ve had all day…………

That about sums it up!

Overcast…..and rainy

2011-02-18T07:01:00.001-05:00

Well, I was looking forward to today, because I thought it was suppose to be another sunny warmish day. It’s a little warmer, but overcast, and WET. Hopefully more melting happens.

Over all, yesterday was a pretty productive day. I got most of what I wanted to get done….done. And another one of the baby birds from the first clutch went home with his family. So there is just one here waiting until his family comes to get him.

Then there is the second clutch to find homes for.

I am going to go back onto my evening anti-depressant so I can get some sleep. I don’t understand how I can be SOO tired, but sleep so crappy at night. I toss and turn, and I’m not relaxed at all. But I can’t hardly sit up any longer because I’m so tired. This has got to end. This is the same crud I was going through before I started the evening med.

Going to take a trip to walmart today. I need a money order.
I’m thinking about going to a movie too. That would be fun.

Farting Rainbows….

2011-02-17T07:31:00.001-05:00

Thinking back on my post from earlier this morning. Not much earlier either. I just have

this phrase stuck in my head.

I don’t

Fart

Rainbows

I think it would be GREAT to be able to do that!

I don’t know where I’m going with this actually. It’s just stuck in my head. I think dispite being sad over Beth’s decision to cut her hair, it’s going to be a quirky day in Dawn Land…………..

Sad hair day

2011-02-17T07:13:00.001-05:00

So, I’m feeling quite sad today.

Elizabeth cut her long beautiful hair last night.
It is her “I’m 18, I can do what I want” protest. She says it’s not…….but I know better.

I can’t expect anyone to understand why cutting of the hair is so disappointing. It all has to do with religion, just like the wearing of the skirts………which she doesn’t do either. So even thought I am really really angry about it, I’m not going to drag it out because…….honestly what can I do? I’ve expressed to her what I think is right and wrong. I just have to hope that someday she will come back.
We have all made mistakes……I am certainly not innocent or above all.

I am terribly sad though.
I feel so sad.

Hump day…..

2011-02-16T07:35:00.001-05:00

Why ohhhh why do I feel so sluggish in the mornings? I’m clearly blogging this morning, because I don’t want to go make my coffee and clean out the kitchen……….from what is NOT my mess, but the kids mess from Valentines evening.
I was just glad that they were here. So I can’t complain toooooooo much

Two of the older baby birds are going home today. YAY! I’ve got to contact the other people who have spoken for the other two and let them know they can come get those now too.

I’ll be glad when the house is baby bird free. LOL

My goal for today would be to restore my house back to my comfort level, and clean up the laundry room, maybe do some laundry, and plan a meal for this evening.
Not sure if I’ll be alone or not….?

Ok, ONWARD! Must get this day STARTED!

Sporting………

2011-02-13T20:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve been doing GREAT at sporting headaches. I’m sure it’s one of the medications. I’m going to have to talk to the doc about it.

So it was kind of late, but I just made some supper for myself. Ground chicken patty, with mash taters, and mix garlic/butter vegi’s.
It was freakin amazing! Probably because I hadn’t really cooked a evening meal for myself in a while.
It sucks cooking for just ONE. It’s not like the girls ever want to have dinner with me. It’s strange……….but I might as well get use to it.
I am looking forward to Travis being home………and eating with him. Just him and I. It will be like it was before our lives were bombarded with kids. LOL

Breakfast Pizza

2011-02-13T17:30:00.001-05:00

I made breakfast pizza for brunch today. It was really good.
Really GOOD!

I would have liked to have more ingredients on it……..but it was done perfectly this way.

This is my GRIPE of the day……………

I love how TEENAGERS think they have the answers to EVERYTHING………. and those of us who have more time under our belts are clueless!

Snow removal from the roof

2011-02-12T07:47:00.001-05:00

Gorgeous day…..but bitter cold.
This is Aaron getting up on the roof.

This is my mom, about to make cookies from this stuff.

The house….with thigh high snow on top of it. Doesn’t look like it from the picture but it does.
Aaron and Alan up on the top working on getting it all down

Alan slips!

Aaron is a snow removal MACHINE!

Break’s over toss me that bottle.

Beth & Alan clearing a path to the oil spout.

THE mammoth’cicle!

HUGE

It’s comin’ down!

TIMBER!

Unbelievably no one was hurt, and nothing broken. They got all the snow off the roof. Those boys are sooooo helpful!!!! Great workers!

22 years ago……

2011-02-11T10:04:00.001-05:00

Yup! I’m going to do one of those “Throw Back” (or is it “go back”?) posts. which ever one it is, I’m sure if my daughters were reading this they would be

complaining about how Mom is trying to use modern lingo.

Pshhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Back in 1988 I had my own LINGO! That’s for another post. And I might have to make that post pretty soon. I can just imagine the embarrassment on the kids faces now. It’s too good of a idea to waste.

This is Cindy (on the right) and Me. There use to be a store in one of the malls that you could create customized T-shirts. Or anything else that you wanted printed. When ever I got a new boy friend, I always made a shirt for him with my name on it.
It seems so silly now. Looking back I wanted to give the boy something…….. I wanted him to know my appreciation for “taking a chance with me”.

So, Cindy and I went in one day with the idea of making matching shirts with this phrase on them. Blue was not a bad color for either of us.
And I know I never did drugs…………then or any time after that.

**YAY ME!**

Look at my HAIR though! OMGosh! I use to go through A LOT of hair spray in those days. It was a lot of work to have “Big Hair”.
It had to be shortly after this picture that I stopped styling the sides like that.

Oy! To be a young care free teen like that again…………….

I wouldn’t ever do it again if I had the chance. If I had my super powers (do you remember what those are?) I would like to go back and stand aside to watch what I was like, and how I interacted with people, and find out what kind of body language I had.

Brownies anyone?

2011-02-10T17:26:00.001-05:00

Ok, I agree. The cow is a little psychedelic. It looks great with a white background. but whateve’ah!

I thought I wasn’t going to be able to get much done today with the way my morning started. But in fact it was a day with some accomplishments!

***GO ME***

I had a wonderful secession with my Psych. Doc. I just LOOOOVE going to her! I get a lot out on the table. The good, bad and ugly as they say. I’ve come quite a way to my surprise. I think this success has a lot to do with some changes I’ve made about myself, and Sir Buster-pants, and the fact that I’m comfortable with Jeane, and I’m ready to deal.

I’m having terrible headaches still. Every day.

Gonna have to talk to the primary Doc for that one.

Buster and I are working on “Get the leash”.
He’s got a stubborn side to him. If he figures he’s not going to get much out of “bring it”, for me then he will play dumb, cuz it’s not fun for him. Like my phone for example. Picking that up does nothing for him, so he won’t do it. Same with the leash.

I’ve connected a cute little stuffed toy to the end of the leash, and he will gladly get that for me. LOL BRAT! Gonna have to work more on it, so he will grab things for me when I tell him to.

Beth’s boyfriend had to leave school early today. His dad took him to the ER after Trevor consumed brownies made with laxative that a student brought to school. At least 3 other kids were effected. One kid had to have a ambulance, because he almost instantly starting loosing his bowels so violently there was blood involved.

I have not gotten a report about how the kid is doing now.

Imagine what’s going to happen to the one who made the brownies. I would NOT want to be that person’s parent!

Good morning sweethearts

2011-02-09T16:32:00.001-05:00

Sharing my morning photo art.

My favorite subjects recently have been my beautiful birds. How I love them.
I’ve spent a lot of time with them/for them over the past couple of days…..putting my other duties on the back burner. Blah.

I love to sit at my table and enjoy my cup of coffee, cinnamon/sugar pita chips and watch the birds celebrate a new day as the sun shines through their cage.

Grayle and Phoebe….ready for the day.

Majestic Payne

Grayle……… “Hey Ma’……..how about opening the door?”

Grayle, basking in the morning sun.

Grayle, enjoying “Vitamin D rays”.

New Love. Sophia and her knight Payne

Phoebe looking at herself in the mirror.

Phoebe……. gentile, shy, loving, shy, shy and shy

Phoebe……… curious

Phoebe………………determined!

Grayle, Loving the sun, and a snack of seed treat.

Grayle, playing rope

Sophia, getting the attention of the camera lady.

Sophia, showing off her climbing skills.

Sophia……….know’s she’s beautiful.

Life Seasons

2011-02-08T07:04:00.001-05:00

I have managed to get up, showered and some morning chores done all before 7am.

I like to get up before the birds start making noise. And as I was sitting here at the table sipping coffee and enjoying a nice piece of Tres Letches Cake with it, I could hear the birds moving around and starting to welcome the morning. It got me to thinking about how I longed for moments like this so much when the kids were younger. Any time I got to just sit, and let my mind wonder where ever it wanted always seemed toooo few and far apart.
Now……that I don’t need those quiet moments as much, I have them all the time. And they have a different meaning to me now.

They use to mean……….”Awwwwe yes. I am ME, and the quiet is blissful.”

Now they mean……… “Uhhhg……….I’m alone again. The quiet is deafening, almost too loud.’

Too much goes on in my head for me to be able to sit in complete quiet. I know that I can’t stand it for very long.
As a matter of fact when I am sitting in the car waiting for something/someone and I shut the engine off………….. the silence that, that brings makes me NUTS and I automatically either open the window or door, just to be able to hear something.

It’s strange how the season of life change.

Mom ?

2011-02-07T20:10:00.001-05:00

I was looking around the blog world for something interesting to read. And it seems there are TONS of blogger moms out there. They all have young children, and talk about the woe’s of parenting in what ever situation they may be in.

And it dawned on me………….

I’m the mom of 2 adult daughters. And Noah is still in Heaven.
And I’m still here in this life.

Everyone has moved forward it seems.
My girls are grown up. And those woe’s of other Mom bloggers bore me. I’m not interested in the subjects of baby foods or diapers, or ear infections……..or any of that stuff that goes along with little people.

BUT

I feel cheated. Because I should have at least another 10 years to “mother”.
Noah would be 8 now……and surely still need his mom right?
I feel cheated that I didn’t get to bring up my little boy all the way to adulthood.
I’ll never know what it would be like to have a 8 year old boy.

So, I’ve been prematurely thrown into that life where it’s time to let go of the caretaking.
I’m left with empty arms and a broken heart.

Here I am.
Everyone but me has moved forward. All my friends have new jobs, new lives, new laughter……..new friends.
I’m still at home………… I have nothing, and I haven’t gotten anywhere.

I must stop wallowing. But HOW……..when everything including the most insignificant things create road blocks for me. Seemingly insignificant things to others……………

I must work through this………….but still stay connected to Noah. Sometimes I feel like I can’t have both……….and I refuse to let go of my son.

5 Hour

2011-02-05T15:05:00.001-05:00

I’ve been at it all day. Cleaning out my closets! That term is more of a Metaphor for the work I am doing in my head with my Doctor. But I’m doing it in my house for real at the same time. Kind of symbolic…..

I need to slam down a 5 hour, so I can get another jump today. I’m burnin’ out, but I have a lot left to do still.

The baby birds are driving me NUTS!
Just how loud they are. Honest, I can’t handle the constant chattering they do.
The “itty bitty” babies are still in the brooder, than goodness.

I am hoping that the new owners of these birds will take up my offer and take them home and finish off the weaning process themselves. I feel like I’m going to explode.

ONWARD!

Weather or NOT?

2011-02-02T19:59:00.001-05:00

So we are getting some weather. So didn’t the rest of the US! It’s not REALLY that big of a deal. For cryin’ out loud this IS Maine! I think everyone is getting their panties twisted because the rest of the US isn’t use to this weather, and everyone else is carrying on.

This is our radar from weatherunderground

Nose dive’ing

2011-01-31T08:19:00.001-05:00

I think I’m headed for a nose dive. Breakdown or something!

I’m feeling very overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. I just want to hide in my room, and sleep this off.

I keep asking myself……WHEN did I get to this point of my life?

Yesterday was Beth’s 18the birthday. Both girls are planning their futures. I’m helping them collect stuff for their own future households.

STOP!!!!!!!

Life is just going too fast. My daughters are all grown up. Getting further and further away from the good times with Noah.

Blah

The First 4 Pack Crew

2011-01-29T19:29:00.001-05:00

I spent some time taking pictures of the little wee babies today, so I took some equal time on the 6 week olds. Here they are! Precious babies!

New clutch

2011-01-29T14:52:00.001-05:00

I had high hopes for getting a lot done today. I did get a lot done, but I thought I would get more done. The birds are taken care of. All put into the cages that they will be living in. I found a home for two birds. So that’s good.
Now I’m going to let them have any more babies for a while.
The second clutch has hatched open, and I have started to hand feed them.

I’m so tired now, and I have not been able to do a whole lot. It’s really bothering me. I just want to sleep.
Think I may make a early supper and chill……..forget about doing more cleaning.

Story of my childhood.

2011-01-28T10:25:00.001-05:00

I just got reminded of something that happened more than one time during my school years.

I know I was not a perfect innocent person, after I crossed over that thresh hold of when a child is not innocent anymore. But I can remember this stuff happening to me…..or around me from when I was very young.

I was the one who had “kooties”,

I got in trouble for things OTHER kids did all the time.

When I would try to defend myself I would get in trouble for speaking out.

All my life I’ve been forced to believe that my thoughts don’t matter, and I feel bad for the child I was. I always felt like there was something wrong with me because that was how other people made me feel, like I was stupid, no good, helpless.

Would have been nice if someone could have seen me for who I really was/or could have been.

I’m fortunate to have grown wings through my adult-hood. Although sometimes I wonder if I’m too nice to people…….because I’m afraid of feeling those feelings I felt when I was a kid.

As time moves along

2011-01-27T09:22:00.001-05:00

It’s pretty quiet in the house this morning.

Well, it is now. Payne was screaming for some odd reason, as he does frequently in the mornings. Any other time of day, he is pretty quiet.

I’m still waiting for a the brooder top that I ordered. I’m anxious to pull the next clutch of babies and get the boy birdies, and the girl birdies separated so they don’t do that for a while. I’ve got 5 baby birds to find homes for now. Oy!

As I mentioned it’s quiet. so much so I can hear the clock on the wall ticking. Sometimes I find that soothing. I remember back, I never even knew the clock “ticked” because it was always so noisy in the house.
I guess that’s something I’m never going to get use to…..is having this quiet time that I always longed for. If I had it to do over again………..I wouldn’t ever wish for “me” time, and cherish every second with him…………

Feeling the pain, as Beth’s birthday comes near. He always got so excited about everyone’s birthdays . “Is mine next?”

Hamburger soup

2011-01-25T16:41:00.000-05:00

I’m on a new medication and thank GAWD it’s only for 3 months, because it has increased my appetite and I think I’m going to eat us out of house and home! It’s driving me NUUUUUUTY!

It’s snowing again today.
And it’s so darn cold! SOO cold! Sooooooo cold that I actually have to wear a jacket. *sigh*

I could go to bed. My soft warm flannel sheets are calling me. Oy! But I’ve got Hamburger soup on the stove, and I gotta wait for Beth to get home so we can have some.

We are renting out the house in Jersey now. *rolling my eyes*

Not what I wanted to see happen but it good I suppose. So now the incoming rent for that place will somewhat balance out the rent for this place. I just PRAY that someday we can get rid of that HOUSE!

Well, I’m out to add some cabbage to the soup.

Today’s mantra

2011-01-18T18:25:00.001-05:00

Had a REALLLLLY intense session with Dr. Jeane today, that has left me exhausted.
It’s amazing how getting down to the seriousness like that is so draining.

I was watching a video on Glenn Beck’s web-site and I noticed on his wall he has a huge sign that simply states…………

“Yes I Can”

I liked to look at that, and I wondered how I could apply that to my life. I’m going to remember that for tomorrow.

I’m also reading Glenn’s book “The 7 Wonders that will change your life” It’s a GREAT book. I’m going to have to read it again, just in case I missed something.

Fantastic……

2011-01-16T15:43:00.001-05:00

Another day is coming to a end.
Sunday, and it was Laundry day………And Scotty got a bath and a trim. Buster got his nails done. Neither dog cared for either procedure.

WHY are the days going so fast.

I’m irritated too.

I wish the girls boyfriends would go away sometimes! Jeeeze.

blah!

Sweeeetness!

2011-01-13T20:55:00.001-05:00

I went to the Airport mall today and remembered to swing into the store that I knew had the base’s for my 3-D cube of Noah’s picture. Travis gave me this for Christmas after Noah died. I cherished it so much, I burned the LED base lights out.

Now, while I was typing that out and getting Noah’s photo ready, Buster asked if he could get up on the couch and I told him “Paws Off”.

So he tried to get INTO Scotty’s basket. Scotty is a Maltese. Needless to say Buster didn’t fit.

Apparently I was wrong?

2011-01-11T14:36:00.001-05:00

I wondered the other day if I was feeding Buster enough at his meal time. So I gave him a little more at the next meal. Which happened to be late so I gave it to him in his crate to enjoy as I went to bed. Yesterday, when I went to retrieve his bowl to feed him again, I found his fleece blanket neatly stuffed inside of the bowl.

I scratched my head and thought it was strange, and when I picked it up I discovered there was food still in the bowl.

Last night I did the same. Gave him a little extra, and spread his blanket out on the mattress he sleeps on in his crate and went to bed.

This morning when I got up I stopped dead in my tracks when I discovered the same blanket stuffed neatly inside of the bowl again. I just had to laugh! And I called my daughters to come in and see. He cracks me up. I just love his antics.

Apparently I was wrong………he didn’t need the increased kibbles in his meal.

I think that’s pretty freakin’ cleaver!

Almost too much!

2011-01-09T19:03:00.001-05:00

I am incredibly frustrated!

I keep getting confused. What is wrong with me?!?

I made toast for supper tonight and I had the knife in my hand ready to put peanut butter on the toast, but I got really confused, and I couldn’t figure out what I was doing.

That’s just one very freaky moment in my day.

Buster has been very attentive today too.

Onward!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-01-08T08:14:00.001-05:00

I think I have used that title before. Ehhhh, whatever.

Guess what!

No Guess…………………….

I’m UP, and it’s only just after 8am.

Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Who am I kidding!! No one reads this blog. I guess I do this because it’s a way for me to release my inner thoughts……blah blah whatevers.

Yesterday sucked!

I was very depressed. If I had gotten my BUTT out of bed when I wanted to, and gotten in the shower, and put cloths on I probably would have been different.
Instead I lounged around feeling sorry for myself!

Today I had to get up. I want the car today and Beth had to work early. So I’m up!
Coffee is consumed, and house chores are completed…..mostly.
Babies need to be fed though. No big whoop. They are so darn cute now it’s fun.

OH! I discovered something AMAZING yesterday.
I “candled” the new eggs and in the oldest one I could see quite clearly the little heart beating inside. OMGosh soooooooooooooooooooooo sweet! That really warmed my heart. You know……..kind of like when you see a ultrasound for the first time…….except in color.

Gonna take pictures of the babies again today. YAY!

Mixed Emotions….

2011-01-07T10:22:00.001-05:00

I’m feeling sort of blah-ish today. Not sure how to explain it.

I’m disappointed in myself. I’m feeling worthless, and selfish. Selfish because I don’t want to share my time with anyone right now. I want to go back to bed and read, or sleep.
The house is as cleaned up as it’s going to be. I say that now, but surely I will be back at it again later.

Enjoying coffee. Mmmm. The first sip is always the best….ya know?

I made a short video a day or two ago. It’s cute. My Beautiful Sophia is the star of the show. You will see how much the babies have grown. One of them has a new home. The family is going to come on Wed. evening to pick him out. I think they are going to name him “Oreo”. I can’t guarantee the sex though. I know they want a boy.

Happy New Year

2011-01-01T11:47:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year. Oh Yay!

Stuck at home. Beth has the car at work. Really wishing I had gotten up and taken her to work this morning. Blah!

Feeling like I’m going down in a nosedive. I dunno. Think I’m going to get something to eat then take my NookColor to bed and read till Beth gets home.

Tally HO

SeeeeeYa!

2010-12-31T20:25:00.001-05:00

Seee ya 2010.

Hope next year is better…………somehow.

Where’d it go?

2010-12-28T17:06:00.001-05:00

The day I mean. This day went so fast it was gone before I got to even notice.

Did a lot of running around. Now Im realllllly tired! I just want to go up to my bed and snuggle under the covers and read on my Nook.

So that’s what I’m going to do.

Tally HO

Post Christmas

2010-12-27T10:12:00.001-05:00

I am so happy and thrilled that I had such a wonderful Christmas.

It was quiet, but busy, and nice! I just really enjoyed myself. I really enjoyed seeing Christmas colors (metaphorically speaking) through unclouded eyes.

It’s snowing out today. That makes me feel HAPPY! Suppose to get a blizzard. But I don’t think this is any blizzard. Just snow! I want a major DUMPING! LOL

The babies are getting SOO big.
And demanding too! They cry and cry and cry when it’s feeding time. And beg for food after their crops are full. Almost over full! They are so sweet!

I’m going to take a video today to show how much they have grown already.

Well peace out…..time to take on the day!

Christmas Eve 2010

2010-12-24T16:19:00.001-05:00

It’s been a pretty busy day for me, I haven’t done much, but I’ve got a lot done if that makes any sense.

It does to me!

It’s Christmas eve. This is the second year without Travis. And after I thought about it some, I realized we only got to have 4 Christmas’s with Noah.
And this is the 4th one…………without him.

We are having dinner with the inlaw’s tonight. I’m doing the turkey. It smells SOOOO good! I hope it will be juicy and not dry.

I’m happy about the gifts that we got my MIL, and FIL.. I dressed up the boxes to look really nice. I’m quite happy with myself.
This is the afghan that I am crocheting for my mother. I’m only about half way done. I’ll never get it done by tomorrow. She understands.

Christmas is bitter sweet to me.

Loooooong Day

2010-12-24T00:09:00.001-05:00

Oh it’s just been a dreadfully long day.
I’ve spent most of my day on this new computer trying to get my blog to look just right. Which meant I had to take it off line for a while.

I knew the mistake I was making while trying to upload the template, had to be something easy/stupid, and I was right.
I figured out that I was putting the URL in wrong. I was putting “www”, instead of “http://”….or something like that.

I’ve really enjoyed the babies today.
They are so cute, so innocent, dependent, and……….. HUNGRY! LOL

I shot this video this morning.
What I like most about this video is while I am feeding “Little”, the other 3 babies in the background are bobbing their heads around begging for food too. They got fed as well, but I always do “Little” first……….because he is small.

New PC/Birdies

2010-12-22T15:16:00.001-05:00

I am getting the hang of the new computer. I was able to transfer most of what I needed from the other computer. They make that kind of easy to do now. Thankfully I have a external hard drive.

So today we start the adventure of hand feeding the baby birds.
I pulled #4 earlier this morning because I noticed he wasn’t getting fed. I feared this yesterday and gave him a little formula. Today his crop was empty and he was looking pretty weak. So I took him, and got him all set up in the brooder. Later I inspected the other 3 babies and discovered that the parents were over feeding them. Their crops are HUGELY full! I won’t be surprised if it will take until tomorrow for them to empty. I just hope they don’t get “sour crop”. I don’t want to loose any babies.

I’m guessing the bigger birds #1,2 & 3 were screaming louder to the parents so they were getting fed, and not the little one…#4.
The parents will feed who ever is the most persistent and loud.

I’ve finally gotten on the Psych-dog web list-serve. I’m not enjoying it all that much however. There are old conversations going through, and I don’t want to butt in. I have been feeling pretty much ignored, being the “new kid” and all so I sent a note saying how difficult it is being new somewhere. With hopes that it would start a thread. But it’s not working. Ignored…….again.

I don’t want to leave the list because I do like reading, and it would be nice to make some friends. But I’m not feeling very welcome. I’ll give it time I guess.

I’ll take pictures tonight of the babies when I check on them to make sure things are “moving along”.

Tah, tah

Experimenting

2010-12-20T09:12:00.001-05:00

Baby Cockatiels

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Um, Wow!

2010-12-19T21:35:00.001-05:00

I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I figured out what was wrong when I was trying to install the new Windows Live Essentials 2011 !!!

Ya Gotta Turn Off The Anti-Virus protection! HOORAY

Annoyed

2010-12-19T21:22:00.000-05:00

Annoyed, but accomplished...mostly.

I "did" a mile on the "dreadmill".
I've been doing laundry all day. Feels good to finally get that out of the way.

The kids really like the Hang Out room that I created. They are spending a lot more time here now. I'm glad for that.......mostly.

Yeah. I am annoyed. Still feeling incredibly down, and I can't remember for the life of me WHY I started to write this post. Ehh! Whatever.

Who lives in Alton Illinois that keeps reading my blog? Just curious

No Subject

2010-12-19T15:28:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling terrible today.
Actually it started out Ok, but I had a break-down/nosedive! I was allowing myself to relax.

It all went to hell when I was watching a 3rd episode of The Waltons when just the look of a boy's hair threw me into hells arms..........again!
After that sobbing tantrum, I feel Ill and tired, and all I have wanted to do is write. But as my luck would have it my LiveWriter program is on the fritz.
A couple of days ago I started to update it, but it didn't work. Long story short is when I tried to go back to my old version it was gone. So livewriter is GONE from my computer.

I'm mad over it......but whatever. I don't have any more energy to put into it.

Feeling my curse ever so heavily now.

That whole............ My punishment IS life thing. Only reason I haven't ended it, is because I know I deserve to suffer! Taking my life.........just shutting the switch off I guess would be too easy. I am too bad for that.

Yes. I realize how freakin' screwed up I am. I don't see any value in myself today.
Blah blah blah............pitty party.

ONWARD!

Prehistoric lookin’

2010-12-15T19:51:00.001-05:00

Today marks the 21’st day after the day the first egg was laid by one of my female cocatiels. That means the first one was due today. Low and behold the first baby hatched.

Then I was caught by complete surprise. This afternoon another chick hatched! I wasn’t expecting him until at least Friday!

What a happy day!

Drummer Boy

2010-12-13T19:04:00.001-05:00

This is AMAZING!

This is a performance of The little drummer boy done by my church in Illinois.
I miss this church so much! And I miss playing in the orchestra and listening to the choir!

Weight watching

2010-12-11T17:05:00.001-05:00

This evening I’ve noticed how much I am enjoying weight watchers. I didn’t think I would ever like a “diet”. But this isn’t bad………at all.

I’m enjoying my new food choices.

Not much going on around here today.
Yesterday I got myself a christmas gift. The Barns and Nobel Nook Color. YAY!

I’m uber excited about it!
I got the girls their gifts too. I’m all set for them. Just have stocking left to do is all.

Busterpants is zonked out on the floor.
I gave him a new toy today and he’s gone CRAZY with it. Sooo funny!

The new Treadmill was delivered today. Can’t use it though. Gotta wait till next saturday when Nordic Trac comes and puts it together.

Well, that’s all for now I guess.

Tah-tah

Garden of Eden

2010-12-10T08:32:00.001-05:00

Oh what a peaceful morning!
The sun is out (and in my eyes)
The coffee is hot, and my house is mostly clean.

I did a lot of work yesterday getting the house into it’s “new normal”.
So this morning I am reaping my rewards.

I’m reading Genesis….again.

This time from a children’s Bible, called …NIV Adventure Bible.
Normally I read from a KJV, but I wanted to give this a shot……..look at it all from a child’s eye.

So it got me to thinking abut The Garden of Eden.

I goggled it…………..

Show me The Garden of Eden

I have found some really interesting debates, pictures, and opinions.
Candy for the mind.

Speaking of candy for the mind…….
I have taken two days off from tending to other people’s businiss. AKA: running around.
Yesterday was the first day.
I got a lot done. I’m so glad, and I feel like I am feeling much better today. Less stressed out.

It’s Friday! YAY!

Snarrrrrly!

2010-12-07T13:35:00.001-05:00

Ahhhk!

Woke up in a most foul mood. And everything about this day is foul!

Just one of them days!

I wake up……and the first thing I do is start stressing over EVERYTHING that needs to be done. Housework, Insurance junk because of Beth’s accident, taking care of animals, this weight watchers thing……..

I know that I have NO reason to get sooooooooooooo freaked about it. I tell myself to take things one baby step at a time, but my head feels like I’m just going to explode with frustration. I don’t know.

I hope tomorrow’s going to be better.

Snow Day!

2010-12-06T09:31:00.001-05:00

YAY! It’s a snow day!

No school for Beth! Hooooray!

Just gotta shovel the stuff.

We are in the 5 to 10. Could be worse. I’d love it if we got a couple FEET of snow. I’m going to take the dogs out in it later. Then going out to Ma’ & Pa’s to dig-em-out!

Pie Day…….went

2010-12-04T18:56:00.001-05:00

Well. I went to the pie day thing. I’m disappointed in myself. I didn’t want to sit in the far corner like I did last year. I wanted to mingle and such but I just froze up. I’m not sure why. I love everyone there.

And then, when the questions poured out about the dog I clammed up. Stumbled over what ever I was trying to say. Forgot, and left out so much..

Basically looked dumb! Felt dumb………was probably received as dumb.

And what I mentioned before about the stigma about mental illness, it feels pretty raw. I’m ashamed of it I guess, because I have such a hard time TELLING people about it. But now that I have a Psychiatric Service Dog, it’s kind of hard to hide.

Beth and I left early. Kind of snuck out while the adults were busy taking pictures of the kids as they opened gifts.

Uncle Bruce yelled out the name Noah, referring to one of MY Noah’s cousins to give him a gift that had his name on it.
I felt………….strange. It felt strange to hear his name called out like that. It felt like I wanted to hang on to the ringing of his name in my head and pretend for as long as I could that my son was there. I held back tears. Then decided it was time to go. I wish these things didn’t effect me. But they do.
And little Jonathan who is the son of Sarah, (cousin) Looks just like Noah, just as I feared.
Emily even commented on the resemblance and started to cry.

It’s all still so raw.

Ho Ho ho

Had a couple nice conversations with relatives.
I wish they all understood though…………….

Not wanting them to feel sorry. Just wish they knew how much I miss my boy, and didn’t hold back.

Pie Day!

2010-12-04T09:44:00.001-05:00

Today is the day the family is having “Pie Day”

It’s a pot-luck social. I’m really nervous about it! Because of the dog. Some people know about him, but not many people know WHY I have him. If I had a physical disability I think it would be easier to explain. There is such a sour stigma about mental illness. The whole “crazy” factor. I’ve been trying to put together a generic reply for when people ask about it. It makes me feel uncomfortable to tell them that Buster is a Psychiatric Service Dog. Because people don’t understand……my illness, or my need for a Service Dog.

I made some cards, with very basic information, and a address to this blog if anyone really is interested. Because I’d rather just hand them the card and tell them to read about it here……than get into a conversation about him….over and over and over.

I’m not really cooking for this thing.
I just got some appetizers from SamsClub that I’m going to bake off and bring.
Emily and Chuck are bringing pizza rolls, and Beth and Trevor have to work today so, they won’t be bringing anything except themselves.

I don’t want to lounge around at the social. I would prefer to mingle, then leave. It’s going to be terribly stressful for me because of the kids. Last year, they were out of control, running around, screaming and such. And the dog is going to be a kid magnet. I hope Travis’s family can take responsibility for their kids and teach them respect.

Went to my first Weight Watchers meeting this morning.
It was PACKED! I was NOT expecting there to be so many people! My word!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m wondering if it’s always going to be like that! Oy!

Onward with the day…………………..

Slow-mo

2010-12-03T13:50:00.001-05:00

This has been a much more “do’able” day.

Took Beth to school. Talked to Travis. Made some phone calls.
I have NOT done much housework. Ppshhhht!!

I joined weight watchers.

Odd time of year to do that…..I know. But something told me that now is the time.

I’m pretty excited about it. I want it to work. So I have set a small goal to start off with. I don’t want to set myself up to fail, so I plan on going easy.
I will go to my first meeting tomorrow morning.
I think the accountability of the meetings is what is going to work for me. And the fact that there are so many tools.

I just sat down with a hot cup of tea, because I am freezing. I’ve got FoxNews on, and I’m just chillin’.

Progress

2010-12-03T08:44:00.001-05:00

OK, so far today I’m feeling better.

I had a crappy night sleep, but I rolled out of bed in a good mood. It wasn’t hard to get up this morning.

Just have things to do today, that I want to get to. I’m waiting to talk to Travis on Skype. I’m feeling anxious because I have things to get to today, but not panic’y like the past few days.

Again….no photos to share.

Settle down……

2010-12-02T10:52:00.001-05:00

Well, today I’ve gotten a little bit of a break this morning.

I had to rush Beth to school this morning, but now I’ve had a little while to breath. I don’t feel well, when I cannot just “be” in my house. I’m no Phobic, just really can’t stand all the running around.

It’s very hard on me. My mind goes in deep dark places, and things happen in there they I don’t like to talk about. I call it “The bad things in my head”

Things should settle down now. At least for a little.

I have no pictures to share today.

Here I go again.

2010-12-01T08:38:00.001-05:00

Yeah! So! Life is sucking right now.

I know I could pull my head out of my toosh and look at the bright side. Not only do I have these feelings, but I feel guilty about having them. Double whammy!

I am just feeling incredibly moody. Frustrated, angry, disapointed and what ever else….

Uhhhg.

Moving on………..

The never ending story of my life!

2010-11-29T16:10:00.001-05:00

I’m in a bad place today!

I can’t seem to do anything right. Or make any good decisions for myself. So it seems to my husband, and probably others too.
Part of me feels like saying “I don’t care…..whatever”! But I do care I guess, or this wouldn’t be bothering me.

I can’t stop thinking about death.
What IS on the other side…..for real? When we die do we just shut off, and what makes our bodies “go” is just gone? Is it black nothingness? *Poof*-Gone!

And…………… Hell isn’t eternal is it! I don’t think it is.
So, when someone kills themself, and they go to hell how long do they suffer? Do they suffer? Will they even know they are there?

I don’t know about the hell thing………. “Burn in hell for eternity”. If my theory is right, and hell is not eternal, then would going to hell be so bad?

*Poof*

I mean, I’m so sick of life! Ok there! I said it! Why the hell does it have to be like this? I don’t want to grow old. And not because I’m vain. Pllleaazzz, have you seen me? It’s because I want to be done with this NOW.
What the heck anyway. If I live to be 80 (Lord Please don’t do that to me) then my life is half over. The first half went way too fast. My kids grew up before I got a chance to appreciate the joy they gave me.
And I didn’t get to finish my job with Noah. That was ripped away from me prematurely.
Yuup, another screw up. No big surprise to me! All my life I’ve been one big Eff’up!

I cause more problems than I solve.

Wanna know about my latest “Effup”?

Friday night, instead of me getting in the truck and getting Emily from work like I said I would do, I had Beth do it.
She hit black ice on a bridge, spun the truck round, and round, then flipped over, after taking out another car.
She’s fine. I took her to the ER. She had some minor injuries. THANKFULLY.

I should have gone…………………like I was suppose to! I got the call from the insurance adjuster. The truck is a “total loss”.

I’m pissed about loosing that truck!

So glad that Beth wasn’t badly hurt…..wonder what would have happened if I was driving. I feel like I missed my chance to die, without committing *S*

I am skum! ……………………………….. She could have been killed.

Fart Smelling DooDoo Queen!

2010-11-23T15:33:00.001-05:00

Beth’s boyfriend said to his best friend for what ever
reason, that he was a “ fart smelling dodo queen!”

That statement has stuck with me all day. Ha ha ha “you said dodo queen”!

. *cricket chirps'*

.Ok, now that you know how demented I am…….I’ll move onward with the post.

But not before I Google “Fart smelling dodo queen” and see what the first image is that comes up.

Onward!

I nearly freaked last night when I went to feed the dogs because I had forgotten to get dog food yesterday. It dawned on me at that moment…….”oh yeah, that’s what I was forgetting”. Ppshhhhhht!

I had just enough for them.

So I relaxed and made sure to go today.
It’s a crappy day outside. Rain, cold, mud, wet leaves sticking to everything. Just nasty.

I took Busterpants to the store upon which I choose to buy the dog food. I had only taken him in there once before. Not sure why I did this time. I figured it was going to be a quicky. Shoot in. Grab the bag, Get out. Go home!

Didn’t quite work that way. Went in, Grabbed the bag, Looked at a interesting other brand of food. Had to reprimand Busterpants because he was excited. There was another dog in there. As soon as I said screw it, let’s just go, he had a “Do-do attack”

HE CRAPPED !!! ON THE FLOOR !!! IN THE STORE!!!!!

At first I was astounded. And couldn’t figure out what to do.
I managed to position my cart over his Poop, because I had to make a mad dash to the truck to get the little baggies to pick it up.

Figures the ONE time I leave that stuff in the truck, he tests me! I was so pissed!

Butt wait!!!!!!!!!!………………………. he wasn’t done! Ohhh Nooooooooo!

As I’m trying to hurry him out of the store he’s dropping little ploppies with every step he takes, leave a trail of nuggets behind us.

Oh the embarrassment!

I quickly got it all cleaned up, then payed for the food and dashed out of there.

Cruel Karma turned around and bit me in the BUTT today! (for whatever reason)
I did not enjoy it.

Dysarts

2010-11-22T19:20:00.001-05:00

I don’t think the title is spelled right, but whatever.

I took Beth to the truck stop just down the street for supper. We both had breakfast. It was so-so. Good I guess. Good to have a hot meal made FOR me.

Had to take Beth to the Dr. this afternoon. She had hives, and swollen feet and hands. Strange.

Blah

blah

Not really feeling like writing anymore

Tally ho!